CHRISTIAN JOKES
SHOW
& TELL:
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell"
assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to
share with the class that
represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is
Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole
BEST
WAY TO PRAY:
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer
while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No,"
said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my
hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're
both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer
position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey,
fellas," he interrupted "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was
hangin'
upside down from a telephone pole."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The
TWENTY & ONE:
A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill
arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along
the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The
twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the
country.
"I've
had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've
been o Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York,
performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!"
said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting
life!"
"So
tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your
lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the
Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
An Irishman's been
at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl
outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he
stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands
up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his
bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and
is sound asleep.
He awakens the next
morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been
out drinking again!!"
"How did you
know?" he asks.
"The pub
called, you left your wheelchair there again."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
DREMT
I WAS A MUFFLER ON A CAR LAST NIGHT …IM EXHAUSTED
1.
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The
>
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
>
>
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a
bar. One says, "I've lost my
>
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
>
positive. ."
>
>
3. A jumper cable walks into a
bar. The bartender says, "I'll
serve
>
you, but don't start anything."
>
>
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
>
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab
of asphalt under his arm and
>
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
>
>
6. Two cannibals are eating a
clown. One says to the other:
"Does this
>
taste funny to you?"
>
>
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The
Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That
>
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
>
>
8. Two cows were standing next to each
other in a field, Daisy says to
>
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
>
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
>
>
9. An Invisible man marries an
invisible woman. The kids were nothing
>
to look at either.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
WARM MILK
> >
> >The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
> >
> >The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
>comfortable
> >
> >They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the
>nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
> >
> >Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous
>Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
> >
> >Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother
>drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk
>the whole glass down to the last drop.
> >
> >"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us
some wisdom
>before you die."
> >
> >She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,
>"Don't sell that cow."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
I
bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
We have enough
youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last
thinks slowest.
I get enough
exercise just pushing my luck.
Where there's a
will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit
their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from
insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a
future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW..
Be nice to your
kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A little guy gets
on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes
later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat
next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy
starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask
if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the
little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to
do.
Suddenly, the plane
hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the
little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's
chest.
About five minutes
later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So,"
says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach
a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting
to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling
his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think
much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear
and out the udder.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
god
black or white
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Slow Down
One day a policeman stopped
a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give
him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket
for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did
not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did
not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP."
"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The
officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What
are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to
slow down or stop" says the officer
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Drunk Man at Confessional
A
drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to
make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed
from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a
confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring
the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side
of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came
the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on
your side?"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
God Will Provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet
her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the
young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So
what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah
scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father
says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my
daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will
study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"
asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man
replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks
the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir,
God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds
like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists
that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go,
Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good
news is he thinks I'm God."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Overpopulation of Nerds
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of
computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the
door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in
and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You
smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says,
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am
hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not
nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy
walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve
kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender,
without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck
driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender
said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are
in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver
finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the
freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back
door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and
sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all
engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he
has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering
what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,
felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up
and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said,
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well,
sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
The Gate Is Broken
St.Peter
was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He
walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says,
"Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and
it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit
busy and don't have anyone available for this.." , St. Peter got angry,
"Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" ,
The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just
isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok,
if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the
Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a
lawyer...?!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Collecting Snails For Dinner Party
A wife and her husband were having a dinner
party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and
wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to
run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he
agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out
to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful
woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come
down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a
sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up
spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up
and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all
his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his
apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he
dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The
door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way
wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails
all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and
said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Redneck buys a chainsaw
A red neck walks
into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one
hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is
suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he
brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut
down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw,
starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that
noise?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Blondes Finish Jigsaw Puzzle
A group of blondes
walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of
drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to
51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the
bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and
down their drinks.
The bartender
says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the
blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the
box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
he little girl was
sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little
children's Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.
Now, a decade or so later, the elderly lady
was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old family Bible,
in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.
Understandably excited, the youngster was
asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and
deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures
themselves.
Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer
all the child's questions in terms she could understand, but the one that
stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?
Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James virgin?"
little boy opened the big
and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned
them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked
at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between
the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the
boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice,
he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
here was a barber that
thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been
doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up
out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that
walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man
came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just
sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the
back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer
came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the
right thing to say to him. Amen."
Then quickly the barber came out with his
razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good
morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
erri asked her Sunday
School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled
by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him
which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary,
Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.
"But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
Goldblatt,"
announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the
Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up
the Phillistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the
Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the
'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of
Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed
Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this,"
demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"
n older preacher told the
story of a young minister interviewing for his first pastorate. The Pulpit
Committee had invited him to come over to their church for the interview. The
committee chairman asked, "Son, do you know the Bible pretty good?"
The young minister said, "Yes, pretty
good." The chairman asked, "Which part do you know best?" He
responded saying, "I know the New Testament best." "Which part
of the New Testament do you know best," asked the chairman. The young
minister said, "Several parts." The chairman said, "Well, why
don't you tell us the story of the Prodigal Son." The young man said,
"Fine."
"There was a man of the Pharisees name
Nicodemus, who went down to Jericho by night and he fell upon stony ground and
the thorns choked him half to death.
"The next morning Solomon and his
wife, Gomorrah, came by, and carried him down to the ark for Moses to take care
of. But, as he was going through the Eastern Gate into the Ark, he caught his
hair in a limb and he hung there forty days and forty nights and he afterwards
did hunger. And, the ravens came and fed him.
"The next day, the three wise men came
and carried him down to the boat dock and he caught a ship to Ninevah. And when
he got there he found Delilah sitting on the wall. He said, "Chunk her
down, boys, chunk her down." And, they said, "How many times shall we
chunk her down, till seven time seven?" And he said, "Nay, but
seventy times seven." And they chucked her down four hundred and ninety
times.
"And, she burst asunder in their
midst. And they picked up twelve baskets of the leftovers. And, in the
resurrection whose wife shall she be?"
The Committee chairman suddenly interrupted
the young minister and said to the remainder of the committee, "Fellows, I
think we ought to ask the church to call him as our minister.
He is awfully young, but he sure does know
his Bible."
A
friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by
the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to
join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the
Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see
you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret
service."
hree Pastors in the south
were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've
been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried
everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got
hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place
fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine,
and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
ur church was saddened to learn this week of the
death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that
will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every
one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the
work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend,
one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever
leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration
as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."
It was common knowledge that Someone Else
was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial
need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
Someone Else was a wonderful person;
sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too
much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to
do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to
follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone
Else did?
When you are asked to help this year,
remember -- we can't depend on Someone Else anymore
kindergarten teacher gave
her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to
represent their religion.
The first boy got in front of the class and
said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of
David."
The second boy got in front of the class
and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the
Crucifix."
The third boy got in front of the class and
said, " My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
Noah in 2012
It is the year 2005
and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says:
"In one year I
am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is
destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living
thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of
lightning,
God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and
trembling,
Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember,"
said the Lord,
"You must complete the Ark and
bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year
later,
a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and
all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah."
He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please
forgive me!" cried Noah.
"I did my best but there were big problems.
First, I had to get
a permit for construction and
your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA
over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor
objected,
claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard,
so I had to get a variance
from the city planning commission.
I had problems
getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees
to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the US Forest Service
that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish
and Wildlife Service
won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters
formed a union and went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with
the National Labor Union.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started
rounding up the other animals,
I got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the
suit dismissed,
the EPA notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement
on your proposed flood.
They didn't take
very kindly to the idea that they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of
the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps
of Engineers
demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain.
I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am
trying to resolve a complaint filed
with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
that I am practicing discrimination by
not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized
all my assets,
claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country
to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice
from the State that I owe some
kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark
as a "recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU
got the courts to issue an
injunction against further construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth,
it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't
think I can finish the Ark
for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to
clear,
the sun began to shine and
the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up
hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No,"
said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has "
Linda visited a psychic of some local
repute. In a
dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered
grave news: "There's no
easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare
yourself to be a widow
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death
this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She
took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
A
Sunday School Teacher asked her class to write notes to
God.
Here are some of the notes that were turned in...
Dear
God:
I
didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the
sunset
You made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Dear
God:
Instead
of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why
don't You just keep the ones You have?
Dear
God:
Maybe
Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much
if
they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me
and
my brother.
Dear
God:
If
You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new
shoes.
Dear
God:
I
bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in
the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and
I'm
having a hard time loving all of them.
Dear
God:
In
Sunday school they told us what You do. Who does it when
You're
on vacation?
Dear
God:
Are
You really invisible or is it just a trick?
Dear
God:
Did
You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an
accident?
Dear
God:
Who
draws the lines around the countries?
Dear
God:
Did
You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?
Because
if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
Dear
God:
Thank
You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a
puppy.
Dear
God:
Please
send me a pony. I never asked for anything before.
You
can look it up.
Dear
God:
I
want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with
so
much hair all over.
Dear
God:
You
don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.
Dear
God:
I
think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Dear
God:
Of
all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the
best.
Dear
God:
My
brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound
right.
They're just kidding, aren't they?
Dear
God:
I
would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the
Bible.
Dear
God:
We
read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they
said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.
Jesse Jackson, while visiting a
primary school class, found himself in the middle of
a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks
the Rev. Jackson if he would like to
lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader
asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be
an accident."
A
little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside,
that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not,"
explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by
a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And
can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be a
great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
SOME PEOPLE SAY YOUR EVIL
…I KNOW THE TRUTH AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS FOR INVENTING FIRE
IF I SOMETHIMES SEEM TOO UPSET … I HAVE IN-OPERABLE
HEMROIDS.
I HAVENT BEEN FEELING TOO
GOOD LATLEY I THINK I MUST HAVE A BRAIN
HEMROID OR SOMETHING.
Two
lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of
the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers,
including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets,
watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer
number two's hand.
Without looking down,
lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number
one replies, "It's that $5O DOLLARS I OWE YOU
An
old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach Yourself
Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to start to give her a
hard time.
"What
are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She
replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be prepared; so I am
studying the language of heaven."
The
cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"
The
old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I already
speak Russian."
0 I owe you."
Arthur
was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally
feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts
decrying the evils of drink.
"You
should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the
blood of the devil!"
Now
Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you
know Sister?"
"My
Mother Superior told me so."
"But
have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are
saying is right?"
"Don't
be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself."
"Then
let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I
will give up drink for life."
"How
could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll
get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know."
The
Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another
pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks," then he lowers his voice
and says to the barman, "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that
bloody Nun again is it?"
Christian billboards
Holy Humor
>>
>>
>> 1. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking
>> in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:
>> CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY
>>
>> TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED!
>>
>> That took care of the problem!
>>
>> 2. "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."
>>
>> 3. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
>>
>> 4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
>>
>> 5. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
>>
>> 6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding
>> stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed
>> and a headline that reads:
>> "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
>>
>> 7. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign
>> with big red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church
>> reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays,
too."
>>
>> 8. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot
>> water before you know how strong they are."
>>
>> 9. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
>>
>> 10. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
>>
>> 11. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
>>
>> 12. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are
>> long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are
>> out of this world."
>>
>> 13. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of
sin."
>>
>> 14. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
>>
>> 15. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows
U-turns."
>>
>> 16. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born
again."
>>
>> 17. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
>> eternal fire insurance soon."
>>
>> 18. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ------- (U R)
>>
>> 19. "In the dark? Follow the Son."
>>
>> 20. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."
>>
>> 21. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the
Shepherd."
>>
>>
>> God Bless and pass it on!
>>
>>
>
j
A
blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
>me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
>started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's
>finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's
>a tiger."
>
>
>Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
>in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
>
>
>He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
>to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
>to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
>
>
>He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
>nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed......... ! .......
"Let's put
>all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Heidi's
grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma,
do you know how you and God are alike?"
Heidi
began to mentally polish her halo while she waited for
her
grandson to expound upon herself being like God.
"No
son, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
|
CURTAIN
RODS---- PRICELESS:
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water. Vents were checked for dead rodents
and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set People stopped coming over to visit.
------------------------------------------------------------------- |
|
|
At
Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially
intent when they told him how Eve was created out
of
one of Adam's ribs.
Later
in the week his mother noticed him lying down as
though
he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little
Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think
I'm
going to have a wife."
THE
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER TOLD HER CLASS TO DRAW A PICTURE OF THEIR FAVORITE PERSON
PLACE OR THING. THE CLASS WENT TO
TOWN. DRAWING, COLORING, ETC. THE TEACHER NOTICED ONE LITTLE GIRL WITH HER
ARE AROUND HER PICTURE AND HER HEAD CLOSE TO WHAT SHE WAS DRAWING. THE TEACHERS CURIOSITY GOT THE BEST OF HER
SO SHE WENT TO THE LITTLE GIRL TO SEE WHAT SHE WAS DRAWING. SHE SAID SUZIE WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING… THE
LITTLE GIRL DIDN’T LOOK UP SHE KEPT COLORING AND SAID… I AM DRAWING A PICTURE
OF GOD… THE TEACHER SAID THAT IS
WONDERFUL SUZIE, BUT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT GOD LOOKS LIKE. WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT LITTLE SUZIE KEPT
DRAWING AND SAID…. THEY WILL IN A MINUTE.
JOHN
WAS A FAITHFUL MAN, AND IN HIS TRAVELS HE WOULD COME ACROSS WRECKS ON THE
HI-WAY. EVERY TIME HE DID HE WOULD PULL
OVER AND PRAY FOR THE PASSENGERS IN THE VEHICLES AND THEIR FAMILIES. ONE SATURDAY MORNING, HE ASKED HIS 5 YEAR
OLD SON IF HE WANTED TO GO TO MCDONALDS TO EAT BREAKFAST WITH HIM. THE LITTLE BOY GOT EXCITED AND SAID YEAH DAD
LETS GO. ON THE WAY TO MCDONALDS, THERE
WAS A BAD WREAK AHEAD, 3 POLICE CARS AND 2 AMBULANCES. SO JOHN PULLED OVER TO
WAIT AND TOLD HIS SON, WE NEED TO PRAY,
THERE IS A WRECK AHEAD, TO WHICH THE LITTLE BOY SAID DADDY I WANT TO SAY THE
PRAYER. JOHN THOUGHT THAT WAS GREAT, SO
HE TOLD HIS SON TO GO AHEAD AND PRAY. THE LITTLE BOY STARTED……. DEAR LORD …..
PLEASE DON’T LET THOSE CARS BLOCK THE ENTRANCE TO MCDONALDS!
WHALE
OF A STORY
A TEACHER WAS EXPLAINING TO THE CLASS THAT A WHALE
CANN0T SWALLOW A MAN.
ONE SMALL BOY STARTED
EXPLAINING TO THE TEACHER THAT IN THE BIBLE JONAH GOT SWALLOWED BY A
WHALE. THE TEACHER TOLD THE YOUNG MAN,
“ I’M NOT SURE OF THAT STORY, I WILL HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT. THE BOY SAID ONE DAY WHEN HE GETS TO HEAVEN
THAT HE WOULD LOOK FOR JONAH AND ASK HIM IF THE STORY WAS TRUE AND HE DID GET
SWALLOWED BY A WHALE. THE TEACHER SAID
WELL WHAT IF YOU CANT FIND HIM IN HEAVEN.
THE LITTLE BOY SAID WELL THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO CHECK.
Things
a kid say:
Never
trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer
him. - Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment. - Traci, 14
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tack. - Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoto, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armor, 9
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
Felt
markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8 '
A little girl was sitting with
her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible,
in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.
Now, a decade or so later, the elderly lady
was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old family Bible,
in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.
Understandably excited, the youngster was
asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and
deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures
themselves.
Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer
all the child's questions in terms she could understand, but the one that
stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?
Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James virgin?"
HOME / BIBLE VERSES / CHRISTIAN JOKES / STORE / SCHEDULE / CONTACT / GUEST BOOK